Ageism

"30 is the new 26 for guys, I think. 26 is the new 14. 14 is the new 19. It's cool though, cause I'm gonna need a good solid decade to chill and be single when I'm 80."

How Rich Friends Gift....

"And I'll buy you plastic surgery! And an attorney to say it was just your pilates training that made you look so good."

"We're so ready to be rich."

Why we're not psychologists...

"She seems to really have mellowed out...although that could just be the depression."

Safe Sex

"He told me I looked really nice today. One compliment and I'm clearly engaged. I'm so so emotionally slutty. I'm going to contract herpes of the heart."

Youthful delusions

"I certainly hope wisdom is just like wrinkles and guaranteed with age, because otherwise I'm shit out of luck."

re: Bradley Cooper

"I LOVE him. Why don't I set you up with him?"
"What?! No! You love him."
"Yeah, but you know you need a lumberjack of a man like that. I wouldn't know what to do with him. I'd just be like, 'Can you lie in my bed next to me and help me understand you?'"

The best garage sale ever

(after finding out that the prop house that did TITANIC is having a going-out-of-business auction)
"We are so going to this. We can stock our apartments."
"OMG YES I WANT TO LIVE IN STEERAGE"

The emotional ramifications of UP

(walking out of the movie theaters, still holding back tears)
"Is that Kris Allen that I hear?"
"Yes, I believe it is."
"UGH! I'm just going to lie down here on the sidewalk and cry until somebody marries me!"

Not like it is in the movies

"See, I'm definitely pre-transformation Baby. Only thing is I'm pretty sure I don't get Johnny Castle...I think I'm gonna end up with that Neil kid who runs the talent show."

Clearly confused

"Who is this that friended me on Facebook?...EWWW!!! It's my stalker guy!!!"
(squealing everywhere)
"But, like, he's kinda cute, right?"
"Oh yeah, totally."

Masculinity via a tiny British woman

Guy: Now I need to say something really manly, right?
Girl: 'Come over here now! I'm going to throw you over my shoulder and carry you to a cave!' That's rather manly now, isn't it?

All clubs are not created equal

"Listen, I tried. I really did. But there are hanging monkey bugs with sunglasses on and wings coming out of their heads! This is NOT my scene."

Produce As A Weapon

"Geminis are intense. Mr. Stalk Me With a Fruit Basket is a Gemini."

A legitimate question

"IS EVERY BOY ON EARTH DRUNK?"

Certainty

"What do you think about him? Do you like him?"
"I mean...I think so."
"Well...what do you mean you think so?"
"I mean, like, I don't know if he likes me so I can't possibly like him."
"Oh...I forgot this is how it works with you."

Big Plans

"What are you doing for Valentine's Day?"
"I have plans with my gay boyfriend."
"Oh yeah, and I have plans with my gay girlfriend."
"...who?"
"(friend)!!!! She's my Valentine, you bitch!"
"But she's not gay!"
"Yeah, but it is when we're together!"

3:00 AM

"What should I text him back??"
"Well....I wouldn't go with 'I'm sitting in a Wendy's parking lot waiting to see what you're doing.'"
"But that's what I am doing!"

Why We Need Girlfriends

"I would be with a one legged man if I just trusted myself!"

The things we'll do to be thin

"Ew! I think I just ate fish food...that is definitely not on my diet."

My Kind of Man

"You're only sort of attractive....which means I'm really attracted to you."